Monday, January 10, 2011

Letting Go. But How?

Maybe to understand where I am now, you have to understand where I have been and how I got here.  I am not sure that I am ready to tell that whole story.  I will when it’s time, but right now is not it.  I created this blog as some sort of therapy for me and at some point I will need to let it all out.  But for now, I only want to talk about where I am. 

I will say that in April, when Kaelyn was about 8 weeks old, my world collapsed.  As a counselor told me during that time, it wasn’t actually my world, just my marriage.  My work life, family life and most importantly my life as a mother were still very much revolving.  Even after I found out about the affair, I wanted to repair my marriage.  We went to counseling until he refused to go back and then a month later he informed me that he wanted to move out.  He said he wanted to work on our marriage while we were separated.  I knew that it was the beginning of the end but there was nothing I could do but try.  I never wanted to look back and wish I would have tried harder.  So in July, when the baby was 5 months old, he moved out.  We were suppose to be working on our marriage, but the lies continued.  He was not really willing to work on things and he certainly had no desire to help me trust him.  So about 6 weeks after he moved out, I knew our marriage was over.  It was not what I wanted, but I couldn’t live like that any longer.  We were in limbo and he did not act like he was the least bit interested in me or saving our marriage.  It hurt.  I consulted with an attorney and filed for divorce in September.  And that is where we are today.  Kind of.  We have a very unusual relationship.  We hang out, we do things together.  The three of us.  We spent New Years together, we go to dinner together, we watch movies together.  I guess you could say we are weird.  The funny thing is that I see him as a different person now, not the man I married.  I love him as Kaelyn’s Dad, but I don’t love him as my husband.  He tore my heart apart and I don’t think that can ever be mended by him.  Not that he has ever tried, or ever would.  But lately I have started to wonder about our friendship.  Am I really able to let go with us spending time together all the time?  I know that what I wanted to save was the dream of our family, but honestly the reality was there was nothing to save.  I don’t know if I will ever forgive him completely.  I do know that the anger has to leave me at some point.  The anger towards him and towards her.  I am only hurting me by holding on to it.  The problem is I don’t know how to let go of the anger especially towards her.  She is no longer a part of my life or his, but I think about what they did and I get so angry at her and want to call her and just scream. 

The reality is he was not a good husband.  The reality is he will never truly apologize for what he has done.  The reality is he tries to blame me for his actions.  The reality is we are much better apart.

He is a great father to Baby K and for that I will always be thankful. 

This year I will work on letting go of the anger, letting go of the hurt, letting go of the dream.


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