Where I Am

I thought since next week will be six whole months since my divorce, I should do a post explaining where I am.  But, where am I?  I struggle with this question on a daily basis.  I guess I thought I would get divorced and there would be a distinct line drawn in the sand.  That would be that.

That is just not how it has worked out though.  NOT.AT.ALL

When I first realized that my marriage was over for good, it was about a month after he moved out and we had separated.  I had still thought, up until that point, that we were going to make it work.  Once I finally saw the light and filed for divorce, I entered a new panic mode. 

I was already in despair, depression, life sucks mode and now this new emotion entered.  Oh my gosh, I am going to be single, I will never find anyone to love me again, I will be a single mom forever.  I really felt that way.  Seems silly now, but at the time, I thought I was "ruined."

I decided to TRY to date.  I met a guy and went on a couple of dates with him.  He was a few years younger than me, divorced, no kids.  His ex-wife cheated on him as well.  We had a great time together UNTIL he tried to kiss me.  Talk about complete panic attack.  I couldn't do it.  It felt so wrong.  So at that point I told him I shouldn't be dating and I need more time to get through my divorce and over my ex.

Fast forward 8 months and I am still in the same place.  I still text with this guy and would like to date him at some point, but I haven't figured out where I am.

Let me explain.  Daddy T and I are like best friends.  We hang out together at least 5 days out of the week.  We go out to eat dinner together, watch movies together and just hang out in general.  If I plan on taking Baby K somewhere it's a given that he will be with us.  I love our relationship and situation for Baby K.  But I am pretty sure it's not healthy for me.

We have talked about whether or not we could work things out several times.  Each conversation ends the same way, no resolution.  I do still love him, but not the way I did as his wife.  I am pretty sure that I could never trust him again.  He has never been fully forth coming about anything he did and to this day still won't answer some questions.  And I think there are things about me that he was very unhappy with in our marriage, that are still there and he would not be over to overlook.

You are probably thinking, what's the rush?  Why do you need to figure this all out now?  Here's the thing.  I am 33 and still want to get married again and have more kiddos.  I don't have years to wait around and then start dating.

I think it's time for me to start answering the hard questions and put on my big girl panties.  I think it's time to move on, either with or without him.

You say I have a blog?

I wanted to start this blog post with all of the reasons that I haven't blogged.  Truth is, there isn't a GOOD reason.  Not really, anyway.  A few days after my last post, I received a call from my attorney.  He told me that I had a court date for the VERY NEXT DAY.  Are you kidding me?  I always thought I would have time to absorb the fact that my marriage was really coming to an end.  I really thought I would get a court date and have a month or so to stress over it before the day arrived.  Not the case.  I had less than 24 hours to think.

I am not sure what I expected, but part of me thought, maybe hoped, that my husband would say, "WAIT, no, this is not what I want."  That did not happen.  When I called him and told him, he basically just said okay.  I am not saying that I wanted him and cheating ways back, but I guess I didn't want it to all be so easy for him.  This was MY marriage, MY family, MY life and it was so easy for him to walk away.  Even when I found he was cheating and professing his love to another woman, I wanted to work it out.  I wanted us to go to counseling, to fix our marriage, to fall in love all over again.  He did not.  I did not believe in divorce, even after it all came out.  I thought we were fixable.  He did not.  He said we could work on it and I tried.  He did not.  Eventually I am the one that said I wanted a divorce and filed.  But only because I was working on our marriage by myself. 

So on January 26th, I went to court with my attorney.  I answered a few questions in front of a judge and just like that my marriage was over.  Wow. 

I returned to work later that morning with a weight off my shoulders.  Yes, there was some sadness, but there was also relief.  That afternoon, someone close to me received news that their sister had committed suicide.  I was with them and had to drive them their mother's house.  The absolute grief and raw emotion was very difficult to witness.  It made my problems seem so insignificant.  I went home that evening absolutely drained. 

I had so many good intentions of getting back on here and filling you all in.  It didn't happen.  There was always some excuse.  And sometimes it seemed silly for me to write about what is bothering me. 

I have so much more to say on this subject of the divorce, the now ex-husband and the grieving that I have been working through the last four months. But I think I should stop for now. Thanks to anyone that has actually read this far.  And of course, I have to write all about my beautiful Baby K.  She is growing so fast and I have many pictures and stories to share.  For now, I will leave you with a couple of pictures from our recent vacation to my Grandmother's.

Much Love,

Cari

But for the Grace of God

When I was a kid, my Grandma use to say that quite a bit.  "There but for the grace of God, go I (or us)."  She also said, "there is a lid for every pot" every time we would see an odd couple, but that's a a different post.  Anyway, she would say it when we would see someone less fortunate or with a disability or going through any kind of rough time.  She had a number of reasons for saying this.  It would be to try to get me to focus on the what is good in life and not the bad.  It would be to keep me from judging others and their situations.  But mostly I think it was to get me to count my blessings and see how really good things were.

This year I have thought about that quote so many times.  I am not going to lie, when the floor fell from beneath me, I had so much self-pity.  Poor, poor Cari.  My husband cheated (while I was pregnant), he is leaving, Kaelyn won't have her family together and now I am a single Mom of a newborn.  Poor me.  Feel bad for me, pity me.   I would hear stories about happy families, new babies being born, moving into bigger homes.  Poor, poor me.  I can't have my happy family now, I won't be having more babies (with him anyway), I won't be moving as a family into a nice, new home.  And then BAM reality hit me in the face.  Hard.  It seemed that every where I turned someone had MUCH bigger mountains to climb.  A terminally ill child, a husband dying unexpectedly with 2 very young kids, a wife finding out her husband had been secretly video taping her daughter, a preemie baby born much too early, a family almost losing a son to drowning...and I could go on and on. There but for the grace of God, go I. Wow, when I started to think about it, I am blessed beyond measure.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a Mother.  If you asked any of my friends, they could all tell you that my dream in life was to be a Mommy.  Don't pity me, be glad for me. My dream is fulfilled.  I have wonderful friends and family.  I have an awesome job that I love and I make good money.  So my idea of my little family was not longer the reality.  But Kaelyn and I are a family.  We are a wonderful, happy, little family. 

Love to all,

Cari

Something Happened

Something seemingly happened over night.  Her name ran through my head today, like it unfortunately does from time to time.  But this time was different.  This time my head did not spin around and fire did not shoot from my ears.  Okay.  Okay.  That never really happens.  BUT I do get sick to my stomach and immediately feel the need to punch.her.in.the.face.  Today, though, that did not happen.  I felt at peace.  Calm.  It was amazing.  Maybe I have truly started to forgive.  Oh My Gosh, I may truly be growing up here...stay tuned.

Letting Go. But How?

Maybe to understand where I am now, you have to understand where I have been and how I got here.  I am not sure that I am ready to tell that whole story.  I will when it’s time, but right now is not it.  I created this blog as some sort of therapy for me and at some point I will need to let it all out.  But for now, I only want to talk about where I am. 

I will say that in April, when Kaelyn was about 8 weeks old, my world collapsed.  As a counselor told me during that time, it wasn’t actually my world, just my marriage.  My work life, family life and most importantly my life as a mother were still very much revolving.  Even after I found out about the affair, I wanted to repair my marriage.  We went to counseling until he refused to go back and then a month later he informed me that he wanted to move out.  He said he wanted to work on our marriage while we were separated.  I knew that it was the beginning of the end but there was nothing I could do but try.  I never wanted to look back and wish I would have tried harder.  So in July, when the baby was 5 months old, he moved out.  We were suppose to be working on our marriage, but the lies continued.  He was not really willing to work on things and he certainly had no desire to help me trust him.  So about 6 weeks after he moved out, I knew our marriage was over.  It was not what I wanted, but I couldn’t live like that any longer.  We were in limbo and he did not act like he was the least bit interested in me or saving our marriage.  It hurt.  I consulted with an attorney and filed for divorce in September.  And that is where we are today.  Kind of.  We have a very unusual relationship.  We hang out, we do things together.  The three of us.  We spent New Years together, we go to dinner together, we watch movies together.  I guess you could say we are weird.  The funny thing is that I see him as a different person now, not the man I married.  I love him as Kaelyn’s Dad, but I don’t love him as my husband.  He tore my heart apart and I don’t think that can ever be mended by him.  Not that he has ever tried, or ever would.  But lately I have started to wonder about our friendship.  Am I really able to let go with us spending time together all the time?  I know that what I wanted to save was the dream of our family, but honestly the reality was there was nothing to save.  I don’t know if I will ever forgive him completely.  I do know that the anger has to leave me at some point.  The anger towards him and towards her.  I am only hurting me by holding on to it.  The problem is I don’t know how to let go of the anger especially towards her.  She is no longer a part of my life or his, but I think about what they did and I get so angry at her and want to call her and just scream. 

The reality is he was not a good husband.  The reality is he will never truly apologize for what he has done.  The reality is he tries to blame me for his actions.  The reality is we are much better apart.

He is a great father to Baby K and for that I will always be thankful. 

This year I will work on letting go of the anger, letting go of the hurt, letting go of the dream.

Cari

Random Randomness

For some reason, right now I have lots on my brain. Almost to the point where I am sure it will explode at some point. The problem is that I have no idea how to form most of it into thoughts, much less sentences. I have been super cranky lately and I have no idea why. There are several things coming up soon that I am very excited about it and nothing really unpleasant going on right now. Usually my crankiness can be easily blamed on something at work, or family issues or even fun times with the soon to be ex husband. But all of that is going fine for now. I am worried and disappointed in my 18 year old sister, but that isn't affecting my daily well being. I just can't quite put a finger on it. I am still not thrilled about my pending divorce, but I have reached a place where I realize this is how it is going to be. I didn't ask for it or want it, but as the serenity prayer says, "courage to accept the things I cannot change." I am learning to accept, or at least trying to learn.

Baby K's birthday is next month...how in the world did this year go so fast. I can not believe that my baby will be 1! She is suppose to stay little!

But now my baby is getting to be such a big girl, she doesn't look so much like a baby anymore.

I love how in this one she has that, "I am caught" look.

Anyway, I am preparing for her party now. I can't believe how much planning I am doing for this. You would think I was trying to get ready for a wedding! She won't even remember it, but I want it to be such a special day for her.

Also, the end of this month I am starting Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I am VERY excited about this. I wanted to do it last year, but my husband wouldn't go and I didn't think it made sense for me to do it alone when it was our finances. Well now that it's just me, I am doing it! It's being held at the church that I visit. I would actually like for K and I to become members there eventually.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. K and I have a playdate tomorrow with my best friend and her daughter that is 2 days older than Kaelyn!

Mama C