Where I Am

I thought since next week will be six whole months since my divorce, I should do a post explaining where I am.  But, where am I?  I struggle with this question on a daily basis.  I guess I thought I would get divorced and there would be a distinct line drawn in the sand.  That would be that.

That is just not how it has worked out though.  NOT.AT.ALL

When I first realized that my marriage was over for good, it was about a month after he moved out and we had separated.  I had still thought, up until that point, that we were going to make it work.  Once I finally saw the light and filed for divorce, I entered a new panic mode. 

I was already in despair, depression, life sucks mode and now this new emotion entered.  Oh my gosh, I am going to be single, I will never find anyone to love me again, I will be a single mom forever.  I really felt that way.  Seems silly now, but at the time, I thought I was "ruined."

I decided to TRY to date.  I met a guy and went on a couple of dates with him.  He was a few years younger than me, divorced, no kids.  His ex-wife cheated on him as well.  We had a great time together UNTIL he tried to kiss me.  Talk about complete panic attack.  I couldn't do it.  It felt so wrong.  So at that point I told him I shouldn't be dating and I need more time to get through my divorce and over my ex.

Fast forward 8 months and I am still in the same place.  I still text with this guy and would like to date him at some point, but I haven't figured out where I am.

Let me explain.  Daddy T and I are like best friends.  We hang out together at least 5 days out of the week.  We go out to eat dinner together, watch movies together and just hang out in general.  If I plan on taking Baby K somewhere it's a given that he will be with us.  I love our relationship and situation for Baby K.  But I am pretty sure it's not healthy for me.

We have talked about whether or not we could work things out several times.  Each conversation ends the same way, no resolution.  I do still love him, but not the way I did as his wife.  I am pretty sure that I could never trust him again.  He has never been fully forth coming about anything he did and to this day still won't answer some questions.  And I think there are things about me that he was very unhappy with in our marriage, that are still there and he would not be over to overlook.

You are probably thinking, what's the rush?  Why do you need to figure this all out now?  Here's the thing.  I am 33 and still want to get married again and have more kiddos.  I don't have years to wait around and then start dating.

I think it's time for me to start answering the hard questions and put on my big girl panties.  I think it's time to move on, either with or without him.

In the Beginning

I have decided to create a new blog to go with the new chapter in my life.  I can honestly say that I am in a very great place right now albeit a place I never expected to be.  Here I am as a single Mom with an 8 month old precious, baby girl going through a divorce.  Divorce was not in my vocabulary and it was not something that *I* would ever do...but here I sit.  I am not longer bitter.  The anger and hurt are almost gone as well.  In this process, I have learned that I am a very strong woman.  I have always known that I am independent and do not need a man to complete me.  But I have learned that I can handle more than I thought.   I do want anyone to know that is reading this, that Baby K's dad, Daddy T, is an amazing father and loves his daughter tremendously.  He is still a VERY active part of her life.  I did not start this blog to bash him in any way.  This is simply a place for me to document mine and K's happenings.  That's not to say that I will not get mad or frustrated at him from time to time, because I can almost guarantee I will.  And I may at times voice that frustration, but intention will never be to bash him or tear him down.   We get along very well and have found a way to be great parents and have a great relationship apart to support our daughter.  I will always be grateful to him for giving me the most precious baby girl.