Where I Am

I thought since next week will be six whole months since my divorce, I should do a post explaining where I am.  But, where am I?  I struggle with this question on a daily basis.  I guess I thought I would get divorced and there would be a distinct line drawn in the sand.  That would be that.

That is just not how it has worked out though.  NOT.AT.ALL

When I first realized that my marriage was over for good, it was about a month after he moved out and we had separated.  I had still thought, up until that point, that we were going to make it work.  Once I finally saw the light and filed for divorce, I entered a new panic mode. 

I was already in despair, depression, life sucks mode and now this new emotion entered.  Oh my gosh, I am going to be single, I will never find anyone to love me again, I will be a single mom forever.  I really felt that way.  Seems silly now, but at the time, I thought I was "ruined."

I decided to TRY to date.  I met a guy and went on a couple of dates with him.  He was a few years younger than me, divorced, no kids.  His ex-wife cheated on him as well.  We had a great time together UNTIL he tried to kiss me.  Talk about complete panic attack.  I couldn't do it.  It felt so wrong.  So at that point I told him I shouldn't be dating and I need more time to get through my divorce and over my ex.

Fast forward 8 months and I am still in the same place.  I still text with this guy and would like to date him at some point, but I haven't figured out where I am.

Let me explain.  Daddy T and I are like best friends.  We hang out together at least 5 days out of the week.  We go out to eat dinner together, watch movies together and just hang out in general.  If I plan on taking Baby K somewhere it's a given that he will be with us.  I love our relationship and situation for Baby K.  But I am pretty sure it's not healthy for me.

We have talked about whether or not we could work things out several times.  Each conversation ends the same way, no resolution.  I do still love him, but not the way I did as his wife.  I am pretty sure that I could never trust him again.  He has never been fully forth coming about anything he did and to this day still won't answer some questions.  And I think there are things about me that he was very unhappy with in our marriage, that are still there and he would not be over to overlook.

You are probably thinking, what's the rush?  Why do you need to figure this all out now?  Here's the thing.  I am 33 and still want to get married again and have more kiddos.  I don't have years to wait around and then start dating.

I think it's time for me to start answering the hard questions and put on my big girl panties.  I think it's time to move on, either with or without him.

Wordless Wednesday

Vacation!

Baby K and I recently went to my Grandmother's house for a week long vacation.  She lives in a small town on the lake. It's beautiful there.  Kaelyn loved running around outside and getting absolutely spoiled by my Grandmother (Mother) and her husband.   

We had so much fun just hanging out, cooking dinner together, shopping, exploring and just being outside.

My grandmother actually raised me and I call her and consider her my Mom.  My real mother died in a car accident when I was two.  I have so much more to say on THAT subject, but I am not in the right frame of mind to go there today!  So when I refer to seeing or talking to my Mom, I am talking about my grandmother.

I will say that I spent my most of teenagers year making sure SHE knew that she was just my grandmother and now most of my adult years making sure SHE knows that she is my MOM.  I still wish EVERY.SINGLE.DAY that my Mom was still alive and here to be my friend and to love on Kaelyn.  But at the same time I know how incredibly luckly I am to have the Mom I do.  She did not have to raise me, but chose to.  That means so much to me.  She is my best friend and I honestly do not know where I would be without here.  She has made me into the woman I am today. 

Wordless Wednesday

You say I have a blog?

I wanted to start this blog post with all of the reasons that I haven't blogged.  Truth is, there isn't a GOOD reason.  Not really, anyway.  A few days after my last post, I received a call from my attorney.  He told me that I had a court date for the VERY NEXT DAY.  Are you kidding me?  I always thought I would have time to absorb the fact that my marriage was really coming to an end.  I really thought I would get a court date and have a month or so to stress over it before the day arrived.  Not the case.  I had less than 24 hours to think.

I am not sure what I expected, but part of me thought, maybe hoped, that my husband would say, "WAIT, no, this is not what I want."  That did not happen.  When I called him and told him, he basically just said okay.  I am not saying that I wanted him and cheating ways back, but I guess I didn't want it to all be so easy for him.  This was MY marriage, MY family, MY life and it was so easy for him to walk away.  Even when I found he was cheating and professing his love to another woman, I wanted to work it out.  I wanted us to go to counseling, to fix our marriage, to fall in love all over again.  He did not.  I did not believe in divorce, even after it all came out.  I thought we were fixable.  He did not.  He said we could work on it and I tried.  He did not.  Eventually I am the one that said I wanted a divorce and filed.  But only because I was working on our marriage by myself. 

So on January 26th, I went to court with my attorney.  I answered a few questions in front of a judge and just like that my marriage was over.  Wow. 

I returned to work later that morning with a weight off my shoulders.  Yes, there was some sadness, but there was also relief.  That afternoon, someone close to me received news that their sister had committed suicide.  I was with them and had to drive them their mother's house.  The absolute grief and raw emotion was very difficult to witness.  It made my problems seem so insignificant.  I went home that evening absolutely drained. 

I had so many good intentions of getting back on here and filling you all in.  It didn't happen.  There was always some excuse.  And sometimes it seemed silly for me to write about what is bothering me. 

I have so much more to say on this subject of the divorce, the now ex-husband and the grieving that I have been working through the last four months. But I think I should stop for now. Thanks to anyone that has actually read this far.  And of course, I have to write all about my beautiful Baby K.  She is growing so fast and I have many pictures and stories to share.  For now, I will leave you with a couple of pictures from our recent vacation to my Grandmother's.

Much Love,

Cari

But for the Grace of God

When I was a kid, my Grandma use to say that quite a bit.  "There but for the grace of God, go I (or us)."  She also said, "there is a lid for every pot" every time we would see an odd couple, but that's a a different post.  Anyway, she would say it when we would see someone less fortunate or with a disability or going through any kind of rough time.  She had a number of reasons for saying this.  It would be to try to get me to focus on the what is good in life and not the bad.  It would be to keep me from judging others and their situations.  But mostly I think it was to get me to count my blessings and see how really good things were.

This year I have thought about that quote so many times.  I am not going to lie, when the floor fell from beneath me, I had so much self-pity.  Poor, poor Cari.  My husband cheated (while I was pregnant), he is leaving, Kaelyn won't have her family together and now I am a single Mom of a newborn.  Poor me.  Feel bad for me, pity me.   I would hear stories about happy families, new babies being born, moving into bigger homes.  Poor, poor me.  I can't have my happy family now, I won't be having more babies (with him anyway), I won't be moving as a family into a nice, new home.  And then BAM reality hit me in the face.  Hard.  It seemed that every where I turned someone had MUCH bigger mountains to climb.  A terminally ill child, a husband dying unexpectedly with 2 very young kids, a wife finding out her husband had been secretly video taping her daughter, a preemie baby born much too early, a family almost losing a son to drowning...and I could go on and on. There but for the grace of God, go I. Wow, when I started to think about it, I am blessed beyond measure.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a Mother.  If you asked any of my friends, they could all tell you that my dream in life was to be a Mommy.  Don't pity me, be glad for me. My dream is fulfilled.  I have wonderful friends and family.  I have an awesome job that I love and I make good money.  So my idea of my little family was not longer the reality.  But Kaelyn and I are a family.  We are a wonderful, happy, little family. 

Love to all,

Cari

Something Happened

Something seemingly happened over night.  Her name ran through my head today, like it unfortunately does from time to time.  But this time was different.  This time my head did not spin around and fire did not shoot from my ears.  Okay.  Okay.  That never really happens.  BUT I do get sick to my stomach and immediately feel the need to punch.her.in.the.face.  Today, though, that did not happen.  I felt at peace.  Calm.  It was amazing.  Maybe I have truly started to forgive.  Oh My Gosh, I may truly be growing up here...stay tuned.