Where I Am

I thought since next week will be six whole months since my divorce, I should do a post explaining where I am.  But, where am I?  I struggle with this question on a daily basis.  I guess I thought I would get divorced and there would be a distinct line drawn in the sand.  That would be that.

That is just not how it has worked out though.  NOT.AT.ALL

When I first realized that my marriage was over for good, it was about a month after he moved out and we had separated.  I had still thought, up until that point, that we were going to make it work.  Once I finally saw the light and filed for divorce, I entered a new panic mode. 

I was already in despair, depression, life sucks mode and now this new emotion entered.  Oh my gosh, I am going to be single, I will never find anyone to love me again, I will be a single mom forever.  I really felt that way.  Seems silly now, but at the time, I thought I was "ruined."

I decided to TRY to date.  I met a guy and went on a couple of dates with him.  He was a few years younger than me, divorced, no kids.  His ex-wife cheated on him as well.  We had a great time together UNTIL he tried to kiss me.  Talk about complete panic attack.  I couldn't do it.  It felt so wrong.  So at that point I told him I shouldn't be dating and I need more time to get through my divorce and over my ex.

Fast forward 8 months and I am still in the same place.  I still text with this guy and would like to date him at some point, but I haven't figured out where I am.

Let me explain.  Daddy T and I are like best friends.  We hang out together at least 5 days out of the week.  We go out to eat dinner together, watch movies together and just hang out in general.  If I plan on taking Baby K somewhere it's a given that he will be with us.  I love our relationship and situation for Baby K.  But I am pretty sure it's not healthy for me.

We have talked about whether or not we could work things out several times.  Each conversation ends the same way, no resolution.  I do still love him, but not the way I did as his wife.  I am pretty sure that I could never trust him again.  He has never been fully forth coming about anything he did and to this day still won't answer some questions.  And I think there are things about me that he was very unhappy with in our marriage, that are still there and he would not be over to overlook.

You are probably thinking, what's the rush?  Why do you need to figure this all out now?  Here's the thing.  I am 33 and still want to get married again and have more kiddos.  I don't have years to wait around and then start dating.

I think it's time for me to start answering the hard questions and put on my big girl panties.  I think it's time to move on, either with or without him.